Gone Too Soon
In 2016 my hubby and I were planning to have our second baby. It took about 6 months before I fell pregnant in December 2016, I was about 5 weeks. We were excited, and especially our son Brydon because he’s been waiting a very very long time for a brother or sister. Being pregnant is always exciting news and we knew we had to wait for the first trimester to pass before making a public announcement. But I mean who can really keep news like that to themselves, so we only told our immediate families and very close friends. Two weeks later I started spotting and cramping little too much, and thought to see a gynecologist to find make sure everything is okay. He did an internal scan and we were so happy to see a tiny heart beating. It was beautiful and even more exciting. It wasn’t till we got home after that, that I saw I had bled heavily with clots. Inside I kind of knew what that meant. By the time I went to a different gynecologist i had already felt empty inside, like a piece of life was taken from me. A piece of joy, a piece of love, a piece of my soul was gone. She did a scan and confirmed that I miscarried, and that I bled myself clean, so I didn’t need a womb scrape.
It was heart-breaking, I didn’t think it would happen to me, what was even more heart-breaking is that because I was only about 7 weeks “it’s okay and it happens and its normal…. just try again”. I know people mean well when they say that, and they try to make you feel better, but it doesn’t…because to me that was my baby, not just an egg or embryo. It was my flesh and blood, it was Life inside of me. Life that was meant to join our family 7 months later. Even though I questioned God and knew that everything happens for a reason, it was to accept and understand. We did try again after that, but we also know after a miscarriage it can take a while before I’m pregnant again. It wasn’t until 6 months later I understood why and what God was doing.
December 2017, we fell pregnant again and even more excited this time because we prayed and prayed about it and planned and believed it was time. So, when I found out we were over the moon and saw it as a sign of new beginnings and restoration in our marriage. We were so convinced this was it, she was even given the name Taylor and my son and husband would call me Taylor because of my “pregnant emotions” lol. And then again two weeks after finding out and sharing the excitement with the similar group of people (a little less this time) I miscarried again. I was in pain the whole day and weak from my hips down… I knew why, this time I really didn’t want to believe it and prayed over my womb. As much as what I tried to stay positive, I was filled with the fear of the familiarity of what my body was feeling and then the bleeding and clots again. We just knew what that meant. Luckily again I did not need a scrape.
I think this miscarriage was worse for me emotionally. Feeling empty again and lifeless and taking a huge knock to my womanhood. Another piece of my soul dying. I felt like there’s no way I want to try again, there’s no way I want to go through these emotions again, the roller-coaster of excitement, planning, telling people and then…baby is gone. Not being able to meet our babies or ever know what they would’ve been like…I could not see myself going through that. I was angry at God, like how could he let this happen again? He gave us scripture, did we read wrong? Was it not meant for now? Is this another faith test of how much will we trust him even in the hard times? I had all these questions and emotions and confusion happening, but even after all that I know we want another baby and Brydon wants a brother or sister. And I need to trust and believe that God has our back.
It took me a while to share this, at a point I did not know what I’d say, I was confused and still coming to terms with the fact that it happened again to me. I know God has a plan for us and I do trust him completely, even when I question him or get upset in the moment. I know that he has his reasons and that one day I will understand the second miscarriage. Miscarriages are so normal according to the statistics and also meeting and speaking to women who have gone through it too and came out on top, gives me some hope. And of course, the hope that God will come through for us.
Our second baba and our third (Taylor) will always be in my heart and never ever forgotten.
XOXOXO
